Yeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The girl who doesn’t shut up has been SILENT, but I can never be SILENCED! I’m back pookies!!! This little blog is so fun to go back and read and man oh man we’ve made it such a long way. Hello btw, let’s jump into the yap sesh!

We’re oh so closeeee

So as I sort of told you all last time, I’m experiencing internal peace for really the first time in my life. Idk what to do with myself. However, with that peace there has also been this really weird and almost uncomfortable pressure. I’ve been of course working on the queen, but also working towards so many elements of my next era in life. Thinking about it makes my heart feel as if it’s shaking in its boots chile. You know how you can seemingly hold your pee all day with no issue, but the second you know you’re getting close to a bathroom whatever receptors were able to hold the levies just completely collapse and you have to fight for your life not to piss on yourself the second your body recognizes the proximity to a toilet? Yeah I feel like that’s happening in some very weird way. As I’m getting closer to idk what it is. Maybe it’s my purpose, maybe it’s just a temporary building block, but whatever it might be is so close I can taste it. I’m very #sced!

As nervous as I am, I’m super excited to finally be where I’m supposed to be. For quite some time I’ve been for sure on the wrongest of paths. People pleasing does not really allow any room for self fulfillment. Thankfully, that’s no longer my story. The only person I desire to make feel proud of me is me. I now feel fully confident that those that I surround myself with will feel that same sense of pride because I really have been given the opportunity to love the most precious angels on earth.

I want to cry talking about finally walking the right path because this time a year ago the doll was so lost. I was confused, sad, and completely removed. I genuinely had no desire at all to keep moving along. I reread a journal entry from August of last year, and I gave myself a date that I had to have something change by or just throw in the towel. I’m so glad that I hit rock bottom, but I’m even more glad that I still found the strength to climb again.

Everything indeed has changed since then so I get to stayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Every single aspect of my life has taken a complete turn in a better direction. I’m beyond excited about what this next phase of life is offering to me. Things are so far from perfect, but even further from horrible. You are so much closer to your yes phase of life. Plzzzzzz don’t stop your motion now. You’re your most extravagant piece of work ❤

Girls love Beyonce down!

I took a trip to Toronto with my crodie and a time was haddddd. The city itself was like NY on an antidepressant. Which is cool bc no mania, but also bad bc… no mania. Also, a bit lackluster in colorfulness and creativity.

However, they were not at all lacking in the super kind, funny, considerate, and generous men! If you’ve read any of my blogs from the last year then you can tell that baby my faith in the people with penises was goneeee. In my eyes and in my heart they just all were a lost cause. The ones in the states lowk still are #losers to me, but that’s okay.

A little bit of my faith was restored. I met the nicest guys who didn’t have any weird intentions. I made out in the club with big fine Arab engineer shi (we’re getting married, I know where I belong. It’s time to go home. ) And overall they treated me and my cousin like we were Yoncé (deserved) It felt really nice for someone to just have an intense interest in getting to know me and act like I’m the most amazing woman they’ve ever seen. Despite the city being filled with gorgeous gorgeous girls, they are amazing at focusing up yonder. It’s looking like it’s just not in my cards to partake in #blacklove the way I’d like to. I keep getting pulled back to the Arabs 😭.

With all of that being said… The biracial of the six is back in my good graces. He’s raised a fine generation of young men up in that cold ass country. He may be a piece of caca but he’s made sure his JR’s are stand up guys. I’ll give him and his lil neck braids their credit!

I looooveeee I LOOoooveeee I loOOOvVVE

• Sleeping – I think this is probably the most major sign of me being regulated. I used to run off like two hours of sleep. Now the doll gets her rest!!!
• Day dreaming – maybe I’m manifesting but I have been enjoying allowing my thoughts to just wonder as they please. I used to feel the need to lead and guide everything that popped up in my head. Not anymore partna! It usually ends up somewhere so weird but that’s okay.
• Sobermaxingggg – I’m not completely sober, but it feels really good to just say no and still be able to have an amazing time. Like I’m just naturally lit. Love that for me!
• Seeing the change – from my body, to my heart, to my finances, to my relationships everything has drastically improved. I didn’t see it for a long time but now it’s undeniable. It’s beautiful here
• Münchausen syndrome – Yk I like to hyper fixate on random topics and I was sent down this rabbit hole from a greys episode. The mind can be such a scary place. To believe that you or someone else is so sick that you make it a reality, absolutely terrifying but so so interesting

Alrightytyy

This is the part where I am now telling myself “damn girl shut the f^c* up” and so I’m going to do that. I think that you can tell in my writing now that I’m a lot more regulated these days. I really like that. I hope you do too. I love you my friends, neighbors, and family. Until next time…. Tooooddllllessssssssss💋