Helloooooooooo, my good Judy told me if I didn’t post a blog soon then I will be dealt with. I absolutely don’t want to be dealt with soooooo here we are.

Human nature

I have been trying to figure out for quite sometime now exactly how I should think about my dreams. On one hand I frequently hear that you can’t want something too much or it will continue to avoid you. For the longest time I couldn’t conceptualize that at all because it I want it, am I not allowed to long for it? How can I be thirsty for my own dreams?

I think I’m starting to crack the code. The key isn’t just to desire but to believe you already have it. You have to believe that you’re already there, wherever that may be. I think that simply hoping for something leaves space for doubt. When you believe that something is definitive and yours without a doubt, it has no choice but to manifest in some way. It sounds crazy, but everyone I have ever seen or heard of living their true dreams sounded absolutely insane to everyone around them, until those things started to appear. Like MJ became the biggest star the world would ever see, because he knew that he would. He worked like he was already there before the entire world knew his name. You really have to prepare yourself to live the life that you’ll have before you get there.

I’ve let so many opportunities that I really have hoped for and desired pass me by because honestly even though I wanted it, when it was in my face it felt too good to be true. I didn’t really believe that it was mine or I deserved it. As much as I would love to beat myself up for letting these things pass me by, I can’t. These were things that may have fit who I was then, but truly would not fit the lady that I am today. For the first time in my life, I’m living for own approval and validation. I feel safe, secure, and deserving. I’ve also had to accept that it’s okay for some dreams, and wants to die. I felt like I had to accomplish, have, do, ever single thing that I’ve ever thought about doing. But as I previously said, much of that was tied to pleasing other people, I had no clue who I was for quite a while. I was whoever I needed to be to have people stick around and at least like me. I’m sooooooooo glad that shit is wrapped up! I feel so free since realizing that I deadass am the only person who suffers by not living in my truth. Talk to that man in the mirror sometimes. Thats the only one who really matters!

They overly don’t care about us chile

As we know, the queen is healing from her mommy and daddy issues and I have made a substantial amount of progress. *jamaican horn* *fireworks* *confetti* *tall darkskin fine shi picks me up in the air and we kiss in the mouth* Anywayssss! Over the last few weeks I think I’ve finally accepted being disposable. Not in a bad way but everyone has their own stories and own realities. In novels, every character with the exception of the main character can go at any given time and I think that parallels with reality. I love my parents, I think they love me in their own odd ways, but over time I really have accepted that some people are only able to love out of convenience. For so long I’d hold on to those moments and feel At a complete loss the other 99% of the time. This of course affected how I navigate the world and relationships blah blah, but the main point of this isn’t to stay sad and drab. The point is that sometimes people genuinely just don’t gaf and that’s honestly okay. Nobody is required to do anything for you, but you. Why continue to let someone else’s perception, and actions shape how you feel about you? I used to care so much what everyone thought of me. Notice the smallest of things and try to fix whatever may have made them upset. Now I really am okay with things being however they are. Focusing on what helps grow my flowers, not continuing to allow things to deplete my soil. We all have our own stories that we are writing with ourselves as the main character, don’t let the side characters distract you from the plot which is ensuring that you are the happiest, and healthiest version of you. Who cares who doesn’t care????

Don’t stop till you get ENOUGHHHHH

I am still semi conducting my no dating thing due to men just being men. Extremely #COOLonTHEM. But I did start chatting with some #newfineshiii. I’ve actually had a crush on him for a while. We met years ago at a bday party. We were just Instagram story hearters foreverrrrrr after that and he finally DM’d me. We’ve been chatting and had a FaceTime date doing puzzles. I’m sure by the next time I update this blog we will either be madly in love and I’ll be packing to move across the country or he will be blocked and another man will join my personal grave yard.

*update*

I wrote this like a week ago and he is indeed blocked lmao. He disappeared for the weekend and when I asked him what he’d been up to he got #weird. Womp womp! Another one bites the dust. I think lightskin men should be banished from the earth tbh.

Either way I’m really proud of myself for even speaking to men again bc after the series of married guy, gay guy, psycho guy last year I really was okay with never talking to a man again. The queen really does just love love though! Stay tuned for updates!

Speaking of my personal grave yard, I went to a DJ set bc the doll lives for tail feather shaking! Why were three of my corpses in attendance??? And why did they all come speak to me??? I just???? The craziest part of them being there was that two of them have absolutely no connection to the city so wtf are the odds of them being in the same place as me??? It’s some things that would literally only happen to me! But I’m super proud of myself for really being over #oldshiii. The old me would have been on a mass rekindling spree rn so everyone plz give me a round of applause!!!

I loveeee I LOOOOoooove I loveEEE eye-

• The king of pop! This whole blog is named after his songs. We have already established that I’ve been in MJ psychosis for the last year but it’s at an all time high. He is the bestest!
• F*^k it we ball mentality! Life is short, and our country is falling apart. I’m really just doing what I want right now and I couldn’t be happier.
• Soups! I have eaten soup at least once a day for the last several weeks and idk what that’s about because it’s summer but idk the doll loves her broths.
• Not having a love life! Very odd for me to say because I have been a serial dater for the last several years. Kept me a man tucked away! But life is so much better when you only deal with your bruddas and co! Romance feels pretty dead to me rn and I’m happy about it!
• Helping people believe in themselves! I have a coworker who is extremely shy and self deprecates all the time. Over the last almost three months I’ve been bringing her out of her shell. She’s been trying new things. She even told me today that she’s not resigning her lease at her crappy apartment because I helped her realize she deserves nice things. I love when people who deserve the world start to see it for themselves!

Wrap it upppppp

Welp! I have been extremely self conscious about my writing lately and of course doing my regular schmegular overthinking. I don’t know if I can promise consistency but I can promise truth. And now comes the time where you can say “d*mn girl stfu” and I will happily oblige. Love you lots, TTYL ❤