Hey super sexy, super gorgeous, super brilliant, and kind people. Missed ya bunches!

No music *clap clap clap clap*

As we know I’ve been sitting in silence and solitude more often than not. Lately I’ve been thinking so much about my future. I desperately want to skip ahead and get to the good part. There are even days where I long for the past because of how uncomfortable the present feels. Everything seems much more desirable than the now. Over the years I think that technology and all of the conveniences that we have been afforded have heavily contributed to the inability to be in the present. With every task, form of media, and even questions there are ways to skip the most important part to reach the conclusion. For times sake, and our very short attention spans, this is amazing. We have the ability to obtain information, get to the end of a story, find out how a series ends, all with the push of a few buttons. On the other hand, doing research, gathering experience through the journey, and reaching our own conclusions has been lost ( not completely lost on me though because I jump to conclusion professionally… I am a work in progress.) So one of the things I am challenging myself to this year is to be where my feet are. My brain is always elsewhere. There are entire spans of time in which I can’t remember anything that was going on other than my desire to be somewhere else. I think I have missed out on so many valuable lessons, opportunities, and even people because I struggle so much with being okay with where I am. So, I am banning myself from the fast forward button, quick searches (if I have time to do actual research), and even pressing pause. I went on hike in the rain recently and honestly I thought I was going to die! The view was beautiful, but I appreciated so much more because of what I had to endure to get there. I’ll be applying that to my life across the board. Hard times suck, but they won’t kill you and it adds to the goodness what is to come. I’m all out of skips y’all.

Your daddy was home when you left

Growing up as a military brat was an interesting experience to say the least. My step dad fits the textbook definition of a “flexor.” He loves to stunt, and be the center of attention (Gucci fit at his baptism ts.) He did many tours of Iraq and Afghanistan during the late 00’s and early 2010’s. When I was fourth grade, he had been deployed and returned home for a brief stay. One day before going to lunch, my teacher told me to go to the front of the line because I had a surprise waiting for me. I’m confused af because it’s not my birthday so???? Was justin Bieber coming to see me and marry me or what? I walk into the lunchroom and boom my stepdad is standing there in full uniform, a small gift in his hands. My teacher is in tears. She hugs me. She hugs him. She thanks him for his service. Now, this sounds like something straight out of a Hallmark movie. My dad came to school to surprise me of his return home. It sounds so sweet so all American. However, at the time that he came to my school to pull this “surprise” off he had already been home for several weeks. Like I saw him every day for many Mondays before he came to pull this stunt. While the rest of my class and my teacher stand there in awe. I was confused as I could be. I guess I didn’t give enough of a reaction because I ended up getting a whooping and being put on punishment because I didn’t show enough emotion. I tell you this story soley to provide some additional background as to why I am the way that I am lol. I grew up with the most interesting (insane) people around me. It molded me into something that I still struggle to put my finger on. It also prepared me for the people I would encounter in life. Like you might be crazy, but nobody out crazies my OG’s. I don’t get it, but tbh I really like who all of the chaos made me into.

Damn… double homicide

Not much to add here, but I’m in grief counseling. As I keep reiterating on here… people died this year that never died before. I unfortunately am a huge hypocrite. I SUCK at practicing what I preach in regards to self care. I’ve just been moving along, and barely acknowledging the holes in my heart. None of the losses that I experienced were loses that I could prepare for. Just phone calls received notifying me that someone I love is gone forever. I ramped up on being there for everyone remaining. I wanted to be the best friend, daughter, cousins, sister, etc because somehow that might prevent anyone else from leaving. Obviously life and relationships don’t work that way and that has been a difficult pill to swallow. The last few weeks of counseling have provided me with so much insight into myself and I’m honestly shocked by some of the revelations I’ve had. Despite being in therapy for many other things 🤠 I didn’t allow myself time and space to discuss how these losses have impacted me. Truthfully at one point things had become soooooo heavy I was ready to join the fly dropping movement (had to shake out of that super quick bc I have people to out live soley out of spite.) I guess I just wanted to remind you all that it’s always okay to seek help. Acknowledge what you’re feeling, and it’s never too late to begin repairs.

I loveeeee I LOOOOoooVeee I loOOVE

• Being beachside with my best girl. I recently went up a rank in the OB community and celebrated a new year with sand between my toes and my sister by my side. 
• My blocked button – no further comments required. 
• Seeing the people I love accomplish long term goals!!! We’re completing check list and I love it. 
• Beating men – slowly but surely getting into this. Will keep you guys posted on how it’s going 

Anywaysss, that was probably a bit emotionally overwhelming and you are thinking “d*mn girly please shut the f**k up” and so I will go for now. I love you! Love your friends, family, and your neighbors, and plz stay alive because I genuinely cannot handle anymore loss. Thxxxxxxxxxxx

ToooooOOOOOOdddlleessssss