Helloooooooo my gorgeous, kind, and perfect reader. How have you been??? I hope you’ve been great. I’ve missed you! Anyways, let’s skip on into my little thoughts.

536

I think I have disclosed on here that I absolutely love history. As someone with keen pattern recognition skills, history is my favorite subject. Always has been and it always will be. I think that it is interesting that we have access to so much historical knowledge these days. Pages upon pages of stories, accounts, etc and yet we never learn from them. Recently I have been fascinated with the year 536. It started with my history asmr videos that I listen to to fall asleep. 536 SUCKED. Like everything that could go wrong did go wrong. So what happened was there was a volcano that erupted and there was so much soot and ash in the air that it seemed as if the sun disappeared. It wasn’t a sudden dissent into darkness. It was just kind of murky, foggy, and just drab. From historical accounts initially many thought that this was just a joke by the gods. As it progressed, plants died, animals migrated, and of course people died (and those that lived lost their minds.) People then began to think that this was a punishment for their sins (or more often than not the sins of their neighbors.) They genuinely believed that the sun was never going to shine again. Personally, I think that being alive in 500ish AD was probably a terrible time anyways but this year particularly had to be the absolute worst. I think that I’m in my 536 AD era. Everything feels soooooo dark honestly. People are dying that have never died before. I feel like I cannot see the sunshine no matter what I do. It’s there even if I don’t have the vision, even if I can’t feel it, I know it’s still there somewhere. The volcano was thought to erupt somewhere in the tropics but the effects were felt heavily in Eurasia. Because the actual volcano happened so far away from them, they genuinely couldn’t even begin to pinpoint why they were seemingly being punished. I’m choosing to apply this to my funk. Whatever this cloud is is something so far removed from my line of sight. It’s not my fault at all. I can either roll with the punches or wither up and die like everything else(kind of made a promise not to do that and I am a lady of my word.) I’m finding a lot of peace in knowing that the sun never went away. Our vision is not the determining factor of wether something is there. For one, my vision is horrible, I actually need glasses! Cloudy days, everything falling off the bone, feeling bleak, etc can’t make the sunshine go away. I do have hope that that sunshine will come again, even if it’s only the little bit of sunshine in me. That’ll be more than enough to make more flowers grow.

Update… there is no update

Men make my tummy hurt still. I’ve been trying to date and honestly I have just been seeing how many insane things I can say or do before they catch on to what I’m doing. Nobody is interesting or they’re interested in you and 7.6million other people. I just don’t really enjoy their company much anymore. Even friendships with men, garbage. I have maybe .7 guy friends left. They just move so odd at times. Maybe my girls have spoiled me with so much love, kindness, understanding, attention, gifts, and affection that a man just can’t compare. Hate that for the guys. ( and me too)

Home is wherever I’m with you

I think my time where I am has come to an end. I just don’t belong here. I desperately miss being in drivable distance from my people and favorite places. I could pack up everything I own, sign my business over, and turn in my resignation letter just to enjoy the presence of my people. Idk I’ve had issue with belonging for most of my life. And a few years ago I felt like I found exactly where I was supposed to be and who I was supposed to be with. And I somehow managed to just kind of let that go. However, my trauma of being made to feel unwanted hasn’t went anywhere 🙃It’s caused me to be hyper aware of when I am not welcomed. I don’t feel welcomed here at all or emotionally safe. Like maybe this is where I originated from but this is not where I grow and flourish. I’m completely uninspired and unenthused. I miss being with my friends so much. I look at our pictures and just cry sometimes. But I’m not in the business of just accepting things for what they are if I can change them. FaceTime dates and trips where we don’t want to leave will have to do for now. I’m planning my next destination and really looking forward to the next life that I build. New faces, new places, new, new, new, new.

I loveeee I LOOoooOOOve I loOOVEeeee

• Weird history!!!! I think this is one of the more palatable history media pages out there. Super fun and super knowledgeable.
• Just sitting on the phone. S/o to Draco for sitting on the phone sometimes to say nothing. Miss you so so so so so much girly and really do appreciate doing everything and nothing with you.
• Girl bossing. I complain, but I’m honestly so thankful to have the fortitude to work, be a business owner, and do school while still working towards my bigger goals and being a comedian and full time lover to a few people. Wowwwwwww
• Ring the alarm. In a semi crazy girl era with the men I’m fake dating. A really good song to listen to before starting an argument! https://music.apple.com/us/album/ring-the-alarm/261707051?i=261707259
• My designated morning journaling time. I wake up with so much on my brain. It’s nice to unpack that before I start my day.
• Cooking, I’ve cooked 4/7 days for the last few weeks. I’ve always loved cooking but recently I’ve been trying new things. And they’ve been working out well!!!! So lucky to be able to fill my tummy and blow my taste buds.
• You 🙂

Anywaysssss

It’s the time where you get to say “d*mn girl shut the f*c* ^” and so I will oblige. Take care of yourselves and your neighbors. Hug the people you love extra tight. Be as good to yourself as you are to others. I love you all tooooooooodleessss.