Hellooooooooo. I hope you guys are well. There have been a billion thoughts and events rumbling around my head since the last time we spoke sooooo let’s jump into it

My outsides look cool, my insides look blue

I talk about love on here so I thought I’d switch it up and talk about another large concept. Beauty is her name. Something that holds so much wait yet has no true defined parameters. I’ve struggled most of my life with never feeling beautiful. I didn’t even feel like beauty was attainable. (Hence my personality being large, working with what I got.) Growing up my mom never told me I was pretty. Just that I had “good hair” or skin. However, everyone marveled at my mom for her beauty. My mom would also always protest when people told her that I looked like her. Growing up everyone else in my house was light skin, and overall treated with more grace and kindness than I ever was. I was the house punching bag and I kind of associated that with my looks. If I was prettier, if I was skinnier, if my teeth were straighter, if I looked like them then they wouldn’t feel the need to hurt me as much. As I grew older and more into my features, and out of my mother’s house, my nana saw how deeply insecure I was and would assure me of how beautiful she thought that I was. I’m forever thankful for how much my grandmothers poured into me because they could clearly see how broken I was, how self conscious I still can’t seem to grow out of being, and how fragile I was. In high school boys realllllllly started to like me. But I was not convinced that anyone liked me truly. I wasn’t pretty, why would anyone actually like me? I didn’t even feel like living on most days. I could not wrap my head around anyone thinking anything of me, I still struggle with that. I held on to my virginity for such a long time because I just felt like nobody would ever think I was beautiful enough to love me. I was just tolerable. After going through my first heartbreak in college, I decided to be a full time man eater. Lured them in, chewed them up, spit them out. I had a rotation of boyfriends for about two years. Yet, I did not feel beautiful at all. I struggled with my self image so much. No makeup, no hair, no amount of attention could make me feel like I was beautiful. I had never sat with what beauty really was to me. It wasn’t until recently that I began to reprogram my brain. In becoming a grown woman, I’ve had ample time and opportunity to reflect on the personal lives of women that physically are so beautiful. They’ve endured so much pain in spite of their good looks.’ve had to learn that no matter how beautiful you are it will not stop people from hurting you.

I’ve become a much better person, I’ve forgiven, I’ve lightened my heart, I’ve made it my mission to make everyone around me feel love and see beauty in the world that surrounds us. I toned down on all the excess makeup, hair, nails, etc to really have to face the girl in the mirror the last few months. I honestly still cannot say that every day I feel beautiful because that’s not true. I still associate my beauty with how people treat me sometimes. Old habits die hard. But, I’m trying and I’m making progress and that is something to celebrate. I also try to make everyone in my life feel so beautiful bc we only have one life, one body, one chance to have this experience. We have no time to relish on things out of our control. But you dear reader are a 10/10 BMS😍!!!!!!

Cranes are in the builllllllding

This blog is really just a place for me to not make sense and tell strangers my business. I really can’t say that I’m happy. Happiness is a fleeting emotion. It feels like life is happening to me rather than living most days now. And bc of that I’ve been abusing substances like my step dad did us after his first tour of Iraq. Sobriety is a very very very distant friend these days. That scares me. I made a vow to myself after “The Year of the Drunk” that I’d never be a regular indulger of any type of substance. I told myself a hell of a lie lmaoooo. But this too shall pass. I will leave that bottle and everything else back alone here soon. I just wanted to be vulnerable on here and imperfect. I talk a lot about overcoming my past selves and it’s just not always that.

That made me think of the song cranes in the sky. No matter what you do, healthy, or unhealthy. Shifting your focus won’t make you feel better or your problems go away. You really have to work for it. Ts is super crazy.

Things I don’t like (switch up)

• Lying liars who lie – no need to elaborate
• Radishes -just not a great veg
• Being in office – I would 100% rather get a lobotomy
• Being still – stillness is a part of forcing myself to deal with who I am. I’m cool and everything but mama needs tew go!
• The economic climate of the US – as a former serial job hopper, this economy is just not it. A lady cannot quit her job in peace!
• My dad – also will not be elaborating on this one either!

Here she go y’all

If you’ve made it this far thank you for reading! I feel like by sentence five most people definitely thought “d*mn girly stfu” and I completely understand lmao. Anyways love you guys

TOOOOOOooooooooOOOOddllessssssssss