Hellooooooo!!! Another night of me being restless so I thought I would come and burden you all with my thoughts. Let’s jump right into this brain of mine!

Big brain take lil brain

Lately I’ve been heavily pondering on what the definition of success is to me. Is it numerical? Is it about influence? Is it about impact? When I’m old and gray, what will invoke such a sense of pride in me that I feel comfortable leaving this earth with what I have done? This question has been rather difficult for me because for so long everything that I have ever seen or felt about myself was solely based on how I was interpreted and valued by other people. I’m still building out what so many things look like for me. It’s odd to say the least. I do think that for me success is measured in a combination of factors. Numerical is one of them, in spite of me being extremely anti capitalism. I neeeeeeevveeeer want holes in my pocket. That’s not my ministry tbh I’m a giver before anything and you need money to provide the way I enjoy providing. I also think that feeling is an important factor. I need to feel at peace and even receive pleasure from what I have done. I also need to make the lives of those that I love better in some way shape or form. The later factors do weigh a lot heavier for me. I could be a billionaire (no I couldn’t, morally) and I don’t think I would feel like I accomplished anything if I wasn’t able to improve or make life easier for myself and the people that make my world go around. As I continue to grow and build out definitions, pathways, and frameworks for many aspects of my life, I really fall in love with myself a little bit more each day. As we’ve discussed previously, that’s not something I ever thought would happen, but wow I am so cool, strong, and kind above all else. Those are such amazing things to be. So in some ways I have reached an admirable point of success I guess.

Turn em loose

So, this summer was supposed to be my summer of love. However, grief and the overall lack of quality candidates in the dating pool completely derailed that plan. I thought I would return to my old ways. Have a roster, they all love me, I love someone not in the lineup. I’m so glad that that didn’t happen though. As the Internationally Recognized Heavy Weight Champion of Dating the Worst Men Ever, I don’t think I have that in me anymore. I don’t have the desire to give any portion of myself, time, nor my intellect to someone who I don’t desire. In my hiatus from being a serial dater I’ve spent more time with my friends, myself, God and wow I deserve so much more than I’ve ever allowed myself to receive romantically. I am loved so deeply and with such intention from them. I don’t have to perform or become someone I am not. I am allowed to care and love and cry and bitch and be insane without worrying about if they’ll still love me. That brings me an unimaginable amount of satisfaction and peace. I simply can’t go back. I’ve honestly realized that I have to let that version of myself go. She doesn’t exist anymore and that is okay. I beat myself up sometimes because of how much I’ve changed, but evolution is inevitable. I’m thankful for it. I’ve released that girl so much so that I no longer have any exes and a pristine body count of zero. History is completely rewritten #womeninmaledominatedfields

Down bad

Speaking of love, I’ve become hyper fixated on this idea of what my dream partner will be. I have a series in my notes of love letters to this person that I have no clue exists. Is it delusion or is it just forward thinking??? Idk but here’s a snippet :

“ I think that’s what I desire most, love that is real, raw, and consuming. I don’t want something manufactured, or inspired by anyone else. Just me and you and beautiful ingenuity. For so many years I kept making collages, painting new love over my old one. Carrying baggage from person to person. I’m so thankful that I’ve lost it all, that I have no choice but to start over. I was so worried that I was truly jaded and tainted that my love would never be pure again. The reality is that I now have the pleasure of delivering a refined love. The best quality it has ever been. I look at all of those old works as projects that I started but never had the chance to finish, the materials weren’t there, inspo lost, implosions, etc. However I think this collaboration will be my best, the one I can sign with pride. Whoever you are, I can’t wait to meet you or maybe meet you in a new light. I hope you’re looking for me, I’ll be waiting for you”

How sweet is that??? In spite of it all my heart is still so big and always longing. I’m extremely proud of that, honestly. I probably need to officially turn my card in, it’s a wrap obviously.

I loveeee I LOOoooOOOve I loOOVEeeee

• putting pen to paper. While I love yapping in my notes app. There’s just something about putting that pen to paper and turning your swag and brain on. 
• Painting! Maybe I’m just stuck on physical versions of things but wow! It’s such an amazing feeling to create something, even when it isn’t beautiful. It’s still my art. 
• My side quest. I’m living like 17 different lives right now. Working in several industries. I love the constant movement and flow of information. 
• Adina Howard, my freaked out queen. I just have been loving her music and how free she is #realf**c**r. Real recognizes real boo. 
• Of course I have to talk about how much I love my friends. Thank you guys for never letting me be alone, thank you for reassuring me, thank you for letting me be whomever I am when I open my eyes that day. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate you, so I will tell you and show you every chance I get. 

Here’s the part that everyone loves the most, you get to tell me “d*m* girly stfu” and you are not wrong. I appreciate you for taking time to read my silly little thoughts. I hope you take extra care of yourself and your neighbors (especially your favorite one!) I love you ❤

ToOOOooooOOOdlessssssss