Helloooooooooo gorgeous people!!! Greetings from an extremely hot planet earth. Summer is so beautiful and fast, but so slow and sticky. Anyways, cheers to acknowledging that I cannot account all of my woes and sadnesses to it being cold and dark. A true depressed diva and that’s okay!

Get a grip sista!

I’m writing this on a walk post semi breakdown. It’s 10:30 at night and I’ve been sprayed by 5011 of sprinklers. But we have to do what we have to do to be. I talked to my therapist about some habits that I’ve noticed in myself. Sister told me it may be time to take off the kitten heels and cute work fits and put on some socks with grip on them for a while. I’ve been intentionally leaving my house a little messy so that I have a desire to come home. I’d simply die if anyone had to come to my house to gather my bearings and it was a mess. Seeking reassurance from the people I love that they love me so that I feel a sense of guilt for feeling sad. The list goes on. I do continue to amaze myself at simultaneously managing to be the most open and obvious person in the world but still the most closed off person to exist. A life of extreme duality is what I live. And that’s okay too. Last year I told all of my friends that I was tired of healing. I didn’t want to keep doing that. It didn’t feel like a place of permanence. It’s definitely not something I’d want to make a lifetime commitment to. (The ‘C’ word absolutely terrifies me.) In spite of my thousands of dollars spent on therapy it’s very hard for me to imagine anyone staying forever. I think I place myself in everyone’s life to try to be the most fun memory. The person they share the biggest smiles with, deep cries, and think about years later and wonder where I am. The lady told me that those were not things that I should try to force myself to accept but it’s hard not to. When I was in high school, one of my bestfriends and I found the train schedule. We would go to the train station and scream as the train passed as a way to release whatever we were holding in. Our screams were drowned out completely by the loud noise of the train. I feel that I’ve been screaming at the train for about a year now. Loud as can be, but everything else is just a lot louder.

With all of that being said. I’ve realized that maybe I cannot stomach permanent healing. Some wounds may stay open. I’ve accepted constant evolution. Every decision I make is molding me into the next version of myself. All of them mild adaptations of the same base model. Tweaks here and there, some of them for the better, some for the worse. Verbiage is extremely important: especially when talking to yourself. I can’t really stomach viewing myself through the lens as something that NEEDS to be fixed, rather than something that is good, enough, functioning(sometimes), just with potential to be better.

Boooooo tomato tomato

🧍🏾‍♀️ no new developments in my love life. I met a very very nice boy on my recent trip. We’ve been texting. He invited me on a trip. Not feeling the dangerously in love vibe from him so I have very minimal interest. I will be holding a press conference if this changes. Also, I unblocked the one week love of my life and had a very long discussion with him. Good things come in small doses and that’s okay. There just are not enough soft hearted, gorgeous men. #happypride I’m switching teams.

I don’t love?

• So I have not been very live, love, laughy. I’ve felt very little gratitude in my heart, but that’s okay.
• I am grateful however to have a giving heart no matter how little or much I have. I had an interaction with someone on my trip. Everyone else walked past him, but I was able to help him with a few items that didn’t seem like much to me, but meant the world to him. I’m just grateful that even when my cup isn’t running over, it is never empty.

That’s…. It?????

I know y’all are like “omg we didn’t even get to tell you d*am* girly stfu”. But I’m going to go and try to make myself or someone else smile. I still love you all, I hope you’re taking care of yourself and your neighbors… tooodlesssssssssss