Hellooooooo…. Long long time no speak. I have been away for a while but boy did I miss this. Just you and me and our beautiful little parasocial relationship. We have some catching up to do.

Wait, just let me explain!!

I frequently discuss growing up on here. It’s such a surreal experience for me because truthfully I never thought I’d see these years. Growing up and experiencing so much trauma that I couldn’t imagine life beyond where I was or I was just ready to lights out forever. I did not really plan ahead. I didn’t think that at this time on earth I’d still be a part of it. I am extremely grateful that I have made the most of my circumstances and built a beautiful life and a wonderful community for myself. I often find myself weeping because of how exciting this would be for younger me. I frequently have to remind myself that I deserve for people to love me and it’s okay for me to accept their love and kindness.

So, because I planned on being the one that said toodles forever, I really struggle with loosing people I love. Like omg babe you stole my gig! I was supposed to be doing the passing around this mf (rude af.) When I was notified of my grandmothers passing I froze up completely for a few minutes, then I instantly went into super hero mode. I compartmentalized my emotions and went into overdrive to help everyone else. It honestly did not feel real to me that this happened. I was supposed to see her that next day and then just poof, gone forever. This by far is the hardest part of growing up. Loss is inevitable. I’ve heard the saying that “Grief is the price we pay to love” and it’s a hell of a price to pay! I’ve lost people before but never this close nor abruptly. It haunts me that this will not be the last time that my heart is broken this way. But it also prompts the thought that I am so so lucky that

I’ve made it my mission to give every ounce of love in me away while I can. My grandmother had such a profound impact on so many people. She was an educator, a servant, an activist, and a lover. Though her life was cut short, she lived such a full life. She’s inspired and encouraged me for my whole life, and I think that one of the most pleasing ways that I can honor her is to love. Love freely, love with kindness, love without judgement or expectation. I want to show up as the realest version of myself everywhere I go. And I want that to be someone so grounded in love and all of her principles. I hope that in spite of my quirkiness and my extreme sarcasm that love is felt by all who need it.

Okay girl next topic….

In this extremely reflective state I’ve been in ofc my love life has been called to my attention. I have so many insane stories. In retrospect, many of these are horror stories and they all boil down to one thing… Doing it for the plot. The issue is there is no plot to be doing it for. I’m literally the author so girl what’s the point of this??? I have given time, energy, hope, and fake names to people that I genuinely have no interest in. Super embarrassing lowkey. So in the last week I’ve cancelled dates. Choosing instead to spend time with people I love that love me too. So unfortunately there probably won’t be any interesting developments in my love life. I don’t want to do things out of boredom anymore so I’ll be picking up hobbies. I’m playing tennis again this summer to move my body, make friends, look super sexy, and dominate.! Thank yaaaaaaaaa

I love I LOOOOooove eye looOoove I LoOOooOoveeeEEE

1. I am obsessed with strawberry cheesecake ice cream. The loml took me there immediatly when gma went to be with big Jehovah and it’s been a comfort for like the last month. Thanks P!
2. I am still stuck in the era of music when everyone was playing in the snow. I’ve been listening to the incredible Earth, Wind and Fire so much lately. Reasons is one of my favorite songs to get ready to. https://music.apple.com/us/album/reasons/1456444801?i=1456444984
3. Wearing colorful clothing!!! This sounds so lame but in a lot of ways I tried to minimize myself for a very long time which meant I was dressed very muted most of the time. Living in color, being extremely visible because the world deserves more fun, gorgeous women!
4. I say this all the time but I really do love my chosen family. Thanks for never letting kms. We really are so blessed to have each other. Pinky promise no more attempts or thoughts of leaving you!
5. Plies. Not really much to explain there. One of the only cool pocket sized men alive. Love him!
6. Giving back. The world feels so dark and cold sometimes. Volunteering and shining light in the darkest of places is such an honor. So many of us are much more fortunate than we realize. The smallest amount of time or money can turn someone else’s whole life around. That is so beautiful. We are truly so so so fortunate.

Well….

I know this is kind of not a fun entry at all. I have to be a wee bit serious sometimes and I truly just wanted to acknowledge my feelings. The nature of this whole thing is transparency and authenticity. I won’t apologize for it or promise that there will never be another more somber entry. Howver, I will try my best to keep us all uplifted and still make you say “d*amn girly stfu!” I love you guys, love yourself, love your neighbors, be kind, and thank you for being here ❤

TooooooooOOOOOdLEEEEEeeesssss