HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Welcome or welcome back. I am genuinely so surprised that I am on entry number two. Cheers to a girl who quits almost everything somewhat sticking to the program. I was so pleased with the responses from my first post. Being open and imperfect publicly has always been a struggle for me. I am so glad that this is in some strange way ridding me of the burden of perfection. Y’all will probably read a complete crashout here as soon as we warm up to one another. Love that for all of us!

Speaking of love……

Today is exactly one week post one of the most emotionally conflicting days of the year for me and many of my peers, Valentine’s Day. I hope that no matter the status of your relationship somebody somewhere made sure you knew how loved you actually are. One of the people I love and adore most happens to celebrate their birthday on the 14th day of February so that somewhat makes the voice in my head yelling, “You’re going to live life alone and everyone is passing you by” a little more quiet. I am so glad I am allowed to share another year of life with my favorite lady. There are so many forms of love, but the one that in this stage in life is the most focused on is romance. I genuinely do not think that I have loved a man romantically in a very very very long time. I would really like to do that again but the men I actually enjoy just so happen to be the worst people in the world. (Horrible taste in men may be genetic tbh) I told my therapist recently that I feel like every man in my life since the day I was born has broken my heart (looking directly at you dad.) I feel like maybe they just are not good people lmao. Since the last time I would say I was in love I have continued to date people and stay open to the idea of romance, but I think maybe my brain, heart, or both have blocked me from even expecting an ounce of reciprocity. In a way I’ve adopted this role of perpetual home girl that just flirts, goes on dates, and is kind. I really don’t have anything else for these YN’s anymore. And yk what I do have love for them, but I don’t even believe that they can conceptualize what love really does mean enough to have that same feeling back for me. As I type this I am realizing that I am extremely hypocritical in the way that I am a self-proclaimed lover girl. I love so hard, and with so much genuineness, but I do not love freely. There is so much reservation there in this specific regard. *sigh* I guess maybe I need to retitle myself “Lover girl *but as friends because I don’t think men love me back*” We’ll find something that sticks soon. But who knows I may wake up tomorrow and decide I am in love with one of these unsaved numbers that I respond to biweekly. I know that I want love and I think I am good at, just absolutely terrible at accepting it. Stay tooned to find out if I overcome this unfortunate mental dilemma.

What is it?????

Clearly I love question marks (curiosity is sexy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise), but anyway what is love? What does it feel like? How do we test for pureness and quality? Why do we love love? When love seems to hate us. To me to be loved is to be considered, to be cared for. It is an action much more than it is a feeling. I think that at a certain point, love is a choice, but eventually, it grows into something beyond our grasp. It is not something that we can turn on and off like happiness and sadness. I don’t think love ever really leaves. It’s like a stain. You can paint over it but beyond the surface layer, it is still there. I think we are so lucky that love is built into this human experience. In spite of hardships, chaos, and so many other things love still remains. That makes my helpless little heart so happy and filled with gratitude. The joy and warmth and permanence of love makes the possible grief and pain worth it.

Story time

A few years ago before I became homegirl of the year, I was pick me of the century. I loved a man so much that I cut off EVERYONE when I took him back after he drug me to hell lmao. I knew that I had no business even speaking to him again, but that was my mf’n man and it was me and him against the world (really him vs me, he hated me so bad but I did not realize that lmao.) That November as my birthday was aproaching my best friend reached out to me because she wanted to celebrate my birthday with me and figure out why I went ghost again (I really was a true crashout and would fall off the face of the earth for months at a time.) I didn’t exactly tell her why but I did miss my girly. She and another friend came to my apartment and boom my man was there. Since it was my bday I knew that my friends would not say anything too crazy about me being back around this man every hour of every single day and playing house. We celebrated my bday that night. Everyone looked so cute and we took pictures. I was so happy to have all the people I cared about again. A few days later at Thanksgiving I found out he was cheating (love that) I cried, but I stayed because once again I was not coming up off of this man. Went all out for him at Christmas and his birthday too. There was nothing in this world anybody could say to me to make me come up off of that man. Valentine’s Day rolled around. We had plans, I was so excited. The day progressed and guess what… I did not hear one word from this man I had invested so much time in. Not even a text. I ended up spending that Valentine’s Day sad with my best girls inside of an extremely questionable Applebees and then we went to go cry together after eating our bland boneless wings and cheese sticks lmao. The real kicker was that when I asked him what happened he accused me of not caring about his well-being because I did not ask how he was doing, he apparently no longer believed in holidays and also did not have the capacity to be with me. All this after I put everything on the line to be with him again. I had never felt dumber than I did that day. In spite of young me being a complete idiot, I managed to make great choices in the people I call my friends. In spite of me leaving without word, my best friends were so supportive and encouraging to me while I was completely heartbroken from a situation that they wanted me to avoid completely. I guess the moral of this story is just a reminder that in some way shape or form, love finds us always. It may not come packaged as some 6’5 fine shit with an amazing personality, but sometimes it’s the girls you used to do prank calls with, the ones who you have no clue of what your origin story is you just woke up and could not live without them anymore, the people who understand you even when you cannot put things into words (and s/o to my homeboys too, real stand up guys.) That has become my favorite kind of love. I have grown to value those relationships so much more. I am eternally grateful that people with hearts of gold choose to not just tolerate me, but to love me and choose me in spite of my short comings, moments of delusion, and very low lows. Your love always finds me no matter what corner of the earth I try to tuck myself into and the reach is all the same from my side. ❤

Enough of the gushy stuff

What is going on with the youth??? I’m the oldest grandchild out of wayyy too many and even though there is only a 2 year age difference between my closest cousin in age and I there is such a huge disconnect. I genuinely have no clue what they’re talking about ever. They’ll all talk about various content creators, music artists, clothing brands, etc and auntie is so far removed. It makes me really think about the nature vs. nurture theory because for the most part, we all were raised in the same environment, similar genetic backgrounds, and were raised in the same way. How did they turn into YN’s and YB’s and ynb’s (iykyk) and I am the quirkiest of the quirks???? Maybe there was some psychological phenomenon that occurred post 2000? Idk I hate feeling left out, but baby auntie really cannot keep up. Even to the way that they think and speak. There is so much distance there. I feel like we are at minimum 37 years a part. I once again did want to stress that old bitches are indeed winning, confused, but winning nonetheless. Glad we got that cleared up! Let’s move on thank ya!

I love I lOveeeeee I love I love I love: Just wanted to list out a few things that I really love

• The song Blackberry Molasses by Mista https://youtu.be/yhtQVYqHsa0?si=YD-toB-Vzt0YSWOT. I used to listen to this song so much in high school and middle school. I think at this point in my life it feels so applicable. The struggle between past, present, and future. It also is a song of hope, in spite of the bad times happening, at some point things turn around. LOOOOOVEEEE that

• Another thing I love and absolutely adore rn is figuring out my style. Trying new things with my hair, the things I wear, (might need to become a pop star). I ordered some custom jewelry that should be coming in soon and I am just so excited. It is so heartwarming for me to learn to express myself and who I am through what I wear, how my hair is etc instead of doing what other people are doing or what I think people find attractive. Cheers to impulse spending in the name of self-care and self-discovery!

• Michael MF’n Jackson. I think there comes a point in time in the lives of people who are interesting and super cool that they have a Michael Jackson phase… Typically this phase occurs prior to adulthood, but it is better to be late to the party than to be uninvited. IDK I think everybody should enter this stage with me and we all go to dinner dressed as a different MJ (and it would be super skin tone and hair texture inclusive) If you are participating in bday this year plz do not order anything thriller related (called it sorry) In my quest of self discovery and human study? I have really been enjoying the song Human Nature https://youtu.be/_n9HhmX36Gk?si=WSOqLAmc_cm3viLv The lyricism is beautiful but the uniqueness of the sound makes it all that much better. It feels like living in some odd way.

• And I once again just wanted to say how much I love my girls, guys, and gays. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Even though I am off my rockers 98% of the time, I am loved so gently and intentionally. Give yourself a pat on the back until I see you and hug you until you push me away (sideyeing you non-affectionate ones especially.)  I will be sending karaoke voicenotes to everyone this week. Be prepared

• Groundhog’s Day. This is actually my favorite holiday. I don’t play about Punxsutawney Phil, or any of the subsidiary groundhogs. I really want to travel next year to see him and be around likeminded people that see his value. Please stop bullying him online because it’s still cold. He’s just a boy damn.

I know that this entry is a bit sappy and not super funny. Not in the silliest of billiest of moods tbh, but I am always in the mood to talk about love and all of her beauty and woes. And how rude would it be not to wish you all a Happy belated Vday??? Unfortunately this week I am looking at myself and saying “ Damn girl shut the f!ck up” so I must comply.

Thank you so much for reading this, I love you and I hope you love you too

See ya!